87 to life

By Lee Vander Boegh –

Turns out I’m going to be here for awhile. I just aced a Life Expectancy Calculator I found on the Internet (calculator.livingto100.com) that told me I’ll be walking this Earth for another 57 years, or roughly until the Denver Broncos win another Super Bowl.

I was a little surprised to find out I’ll live to the ripe old age of 87, especially considering I don’t floss consistently (ever) and drink several caffeinated beverages per day. It gave me flashbacks to my college days when I’d walk in on a test day (“We have a test today?”), realize I know nothing about the subject yet still snag an easy A.

Now that I know I’ll end up in Palm Springs on a Rascal, I’m going to take better care of myself. No more darting in front of traffic blind-folded, no more wrestling tigers and no more opening packages with my teeth. Turns out the calculator even includes individualized ways to further increase life expectancies. For instance, I can add another three years if I find a life partner. And I’ll tack on another six months by cutting my work week back to 40 hours.

You can bet that I’ll be bringing that up at my next performance review. I mean, if they’re literally cutting six months out of my life, they better compensate me for it. Let’s see: six months times my cholesterol level – that adds up to about $250,000 per year. That should be enough to buy floss and a mail-order bride.