Urban Oilfields

By Lee Vander Boegh –

As a member of the media, I’m always on the lookout for ways to rake in extra cash. That’s what good reporters do – not for the sake of an interesting story, but for the hope that someday, someway, we’ll finally afford some of the finer things in life, like antibiotics, brakes for the car and toothpaste.

I’ve seen plenty of schemes in my time, from how-to-beat-the-stock-market seminars to bug-your-friends-and-family sales gimmicks. But I found one this morning on cnn.com that might actually hold water. Or oil, as the case is - hundreds of gallons per day to be exact.

A rural couple in Selma, Indiana, is actually drilling oil out of their back yard. Yes, real crude oil. They’ve got a cute, miniature version of one of those up-and-down, see-sawing oil pumps (like the ones that made J.R. and Bobby Ewing millionaires during the opening credits of Dallas). The system pumps out a couple of drums worth of oil per day.

So that’s my new plan. I’m going to bet the farm on striking oil underneath my lawn. All I need is about $100,000 and the blessing of my landlord/brother, which shouldn’t be too hard since he’s also involved in the media. Let’s just hope I don’t drill through the septic tank on accident. Which reminds me; I’ll need to find another place for my brother’s dog, Clarabelle, since our backyard serves as her toilet.

Laugh all you want, I won’t be able to hear you through the mountains of cash that’ll litter my living room. Maybe I’ll feel generous enough to document my progress in a series of DVDs. Look for my infomercials at 3 a.m. on cable TV.