Looking Out for No. 2

By Lee Vander Boegh –

It sounds like Barack Obama might have already started his search for a running mate, which naturally has every political analyst, politician, newspaper reporter and whatever the heck you call Bill O’Reilly all fired up.

That’s what politicos do: get really, really fired up. I’m convinced it’s part of the job description. Using my super-reporter powers, psychic abilities and elite ninja training, I’ve managed to transcribe the hiring process for any political analyst position:

Boss: So, Mr. Johnson, looks like you’ve got excellent credentials. You’ve been the President of the United States, Earth’s ambassador to the Great Intergalactic Conference and the lead singer of Van Halen. And these Ph.D.’s from Harvard, Yale, Oxford, MIT and ITT Tech certainly prove your intellect.

Mr. Johnson: Thank you.

Boss: NEXT! Look, it’s obvious you don’t have the passion to handle politics. 

Boss: Ok, Mr. Smith, your resume says you dropped out of school in 8^th grade, when you were 26, so you could work at Jiffy Lube. And you haven’t stuck with any job for more than three weeks.

Mr. Smith: Your face is ugly.

Boss: Excellent! That’s the kind of attitude we need around here. Consider yourself hired.

Mr. Smith: You make me sick.

Boss: Perfect! Take my office. Oh, and here’s the keys to my car, it’s all yours. We’ll get you on the air in 20 minutes. 

As you can see, the fact that Obama might be looking for a running mate isn’t what has the politico circle all fired up (read it on cnn.com here), excitability just runs in their DNA. Politics just makes a good outlet. If we didn’t have Democrats and Republicans, they’d probably argue about bass fishing.

But that’s all beside the point. Several sources say Obama could have already started looking for a possible vice president. And some insiders say McCain is doing the same. From what it sounds like, this is a major no-no. I mean, what gives presidential candidates the right to start looking for a running mate so soon? They’ve still got six months before the big show, and in the case of the Democrats, they’ve still got a couple of opening acts. Only an irresponsible buffoon would plan ahead, especially in politics. Good politicians don’t address major issues until the very last second; otherwise they run the risk of upsetting some of their voting base. And great politicians never tackle tough decisions until years later, usually in a memoir that sells for $30. Making important decisions this soon proves that neither candidate has what it takes.

Maybe other organizations should adopt this model. For instance, the NFL shouldn’t draft new players until a week after the regular season starts.  I can just imagine that interview: 

Coach: Well, Tom, you’re a great linebacker. You tallied 14 million tackles while you were in college – which is slightly fewer than the amount of dates you had with cheerleaders. You’re ten-and-a-half feet tall, can bench press a Wal-Mart and ran the 40-yard dash in a tenth of a second. Our trainers had to weigh you at a semi truck weigh station. You’re amazing in every way.

Tom: Thank you.

Coach: NEXT! It’s obvious you don’t have the passion for football.

Coach: Hi, Paul, you…

Paul: Your mustache looks like sheep vomit.

Coach: You’re on the team! Take my whistle.